I have seen excellent pieces by some writers who very easily connect with the soul of the readers, with the way they express their feelings. I have often cried reading some of the blog posts on WordPress.
My dilemma is that I can’t write such beautiful pieces. I have written poetry. I even started writing stories when a blogger encouraged me to at least try it. He was very kind and advised me to first attempt at writing stories and then eventually hone the skill. The moment I attempted story-writing, I got to know that I lack feelings. I was distraught.
My life is a roller-coaster ride. I wasn’t always this stiff. I was a true romantic at heart. I loved deeply. I hated people. I grew angry at injustice. I loved people deeply. I was compassionate.
But now, I’m nothing more than a stone.
Earlier this year when my Daddy (my dad’s elder brother) was getting retired, I was called to give a speech in front of his employees. I’m not afraid of speaking in front of people. I just got so emotional that I cried in front of a crowd of twenty something. I had so much to say and I even managed to say a bit of it, but I was crying profusely. I even managed to make my mum and my two sisters cry. This proves that I have feelings.
Then where does the problem lie?
I’m a sucker when it comes to expressing what’s in my heart. Last four years of my life have been very tumultuous. I have been disappointed not once, but innumerable times. And it made me stiff. I just couldn’t let myself get hurt by anybody and everybody. So, I adopted the policy of MOVE ON.
But it back-fired.
The outcome is that I do feel, intensely. But I am unable to express those feelings. I’ve lost many people because I cannot let my guard down. I do not want to come out as a vulnerable human. I want people to know that I’m strong. I can handle anything. I can face any situation. But it really isn’t helping.
On the outside, I have this image of a strong girl, but on the inside, it’s the same old weak girl who gets hurt easily but do not have the courage to tell anybody. When people tell me how important I am for them, I have so much to say. I had so many people in my life whom I loved more than they loved me. But I lost them because I couldn’t express it. I’m such a weakling.
The times I got some courage to let people know that I love them, they disappointed me. So how can I possibly let somebody know my true feelings if they don’t respect them?
I would spend hours thinking about how to make that person know what he/she means to me, but when it actually came down to that moment when I have to express, I lose the courage.
I would cry. I would rather hurt myself than letting that person know that I go weak. I do not wanna come out as a weak person. This world is not for the weaklings.
I discussed it with my sister and she said if I cannot feel, I will not be able to write.
And the problem is that I feel but cannot express.