Posted in love

My Dilemma

I have seen excellent pieces by some writers who very easily connect with the soul of the readers, with the way they express their feelings. I have often cried reading some of the blog posts on WordPress.

My dilemma is that I can’t write such beautiful pieces. I have written poetry. I even started writing stories when a blogger encouraged me to at least try it. He was very kind and advised me to first attempt at writing stories and then eventually hone the skill. The moment I attempted story-writing, I got to know that I lack feelings. I was distraught.

My life is a roller-coaster ride. I wasn’t always this stiff. I was a true romantic at heart. I loved deeply. I hated people. I grew angry at injustice. I loved people deeply. I was compassionate.

But now, I’m nothing more than a stone.

Earlier this year when my Daddy (my dad’s elder brother) was getting retired, I was called to give a speech in front of his employees. I’m not afraid of speaking in front of people. I just got so emotional that I cried in front of a crowd of twenty something. I had so much to say and I even managed to say a bit of it, but I was crying profusely. I even managed to make my mum and my two sisters cry. This proves that I have feelings.

Then where does the problem lie?

I’m a sucker when it comes to expressing what’s in my heart. Last four years of my life have been very tumultuous. I have been disappointed not once, but innumerable times. And it made me stiff. I just couldn’t let myself get hurt by anybody and everybody. So, I adopted the policy of MOVE ON.

But it back-fired.

The outcome is that I do feel, intensely. But I am unable to express those feelings. I’ve lost many people because I cannot let my guard down. I do not want to come out as a vulnerable human. I want people to know that I’m strong. I can handle anything. I can face any situation. But it really isn’t helping.

On the outside, I have this image of a strong girl, but on the inside, it’s the same old weak girl who gets hurt easily but do not have the courage to tell anybody. When people tell me how important I am for them, I have so much to say. I had so many people in my life whom I loved more than they loved me. But I lost them because I couldn’t express it. I’m such a weakling.

The times I got some courage to let people know that I love them, they disappointed me. So how can I possibly let somebody know my true feelings if they don’t respect them?

I would spend hours thinking about how to make that person know what he/she means to me, but when it actually came down to that moment when I have to express, I lose the courage.

I would cry. I would rather hurt myself than letting that person know that I go weak. I do not wanna come out as a weak person. This world is not for the weaklings.

I discussed it with my sister and she said if I cannot feel, I will not be able to write.

And the problem is that I feel but cannot express.

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Author:

Spreading love and being grateful for everything God has blessed me with. Trying to persuade people to live a happy life and give more to society.

14 thoughts on “My Dilemma

  1. Well to me u expressed perfectly here…..and I may be wrong or too suggestive in making that u r taken by forgery of the world or something…..people have problems in expressing many times as I do too, but the good thing is u know it already…….. just believe in ur actions rather than reacting to some tangent. Stay happy n stay expressive 🙂
    Fresh start – Fresh thoughts
    Thoughts of envy – Thoughts of love
    Love inside me – Love expressed
    Expressed in anger – Expressed in death

    p.s. Pardon me if I sound like a psychic here and bear with the length of the comment 😛

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The mere fact that you are writing about it shows that you can write beautiful pieces.. don’t worry about it. What is important is that it is honest and heartfelt and not some pretentious nonsense, which however beautifully written, that does not mean anything.
    One unsolicited advice- never go and tell people your worth or what they are worth to you. Unless they realize it for themselves, there is never going to be anything worth your while. You are one strong girl and you need not feel any weakness at all. Strength is not only about being unfeeling or stoic, but also sometimes the capacity to feel too much. I wish you the very best. Be gutsy as always, be firm with your principles and ideals and ambitions. You will reach places, I am quite sure of it 🙂 Good luck (not really luck, just your own abilities).

    Liked by 2 people

  3. As you have mentioned in the post – ” I feel but cannot express. ”
    I think you have beautifully expressed what you feel in this post and that is an art and having this art will make you an artist. So you think you cannot express but the readers reading your posts thinks the way you express is beautiful… 🙂

    And even though if you still think that you cannot express then I have one suggestion for you which have worked for me a lot and I think it will work for everyone. Just talk to yourself daily for few minutes you will automatically know to express yourself , innovate and explore i.e introspection … 🙂
    Best wishes… 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It really made me smile 😊 I never like anything I write. Even this post of mine lacks emotions, that’s what I feel. But it’s good to know that people are getting my point 😊 And thanks for a valuable advice. I would definitely practice it 😊 Thanks a lot 😊

      Liked by 2 people

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